"Lars as in "Larceny
by Michael Priv

          Pittsburgh. The “Zebra Zoo” night club—the usual. Music, dancing, a fully stocked bar. Lucy was there. Everyone was there.
          "Hello, Lucy," I shouted, avoiding looking into her eyes. A cacophony of sound and colors, unbearable noise. This calamity was not intended for humans. I was surrounded by grotesquely twisting extraterrestrials. Only about half of them were interesting, the ones with a vagina.
          "Hello, Jacob." Lucy stared at me coldly. Yes, I know, my name is Michael but she didn’t know that. “I tried calling you. You could’ve mastered enough common decency to at least tell me off in person instead of leaving me hanging.”
          “Lucy, I’m sorry. You are a very beautiful girl and a nice person but I feel that I must move on. It’s a phase I’m going through. You helped me get closer to my inner self and I’m profoundly grateful.” I heard this idiocy somewhere before, probably on TV. Now I shouted it into her ear, hoping it made more sense to her than it did to me. What I really wanted to say was, “Go away, bitch! You're here on the same conditions as everybody else. Get over it!”
          Lucy shot me a glance that was supposed to turn me to cinders but didn’t and walked away. She’d find somebody else to blow tonight, if that’s what she wanted.
          I glanced around the place. There were some people I knew but wished I didn’t, and a lot of people I didn't know and didn't want to meet. At the bar I straddled a stool next to a ravishing extraterrestrial with just the right type of genitalia.
I tapped her on the slender shoulder. "Excuse me please, I am new here, recently from Denmark. You will help me with these dollars, no? I want what you like. Danke." A little snotty but a great pair of legs and tits on her. She was obviously after any interesting extraterrestrial with a penis. Well, I fit the bill at least on some of those points.
          She looked me over coldly with her incredibly blue eyes, puckered her bloody lips and told Bobby, the bartender, to give me a gin and tonic and threw some of my money at him.
          "Dunke! My name is Lars. What is your name, beautiful American woman?”
          She smiled, relaxing almost despite herself to the unpretentious complement, "I’m Sophie.”
          "Mine Got! Sophie as in Sophie Loren?!"
          “No. Sophie is in ‘Sophisticated’.” That she definitely was. “And you are Lars as in Lars Ulrich from Metalica?”
          “Yes. You recognized?” Modest smile. Eyes down. Pause. Eyes up. Smile. “No, just joking. I am Lars as in ‘Larceny’.”
She laughed. I laughed.
          We ordered more. I hate gin and tonic, it tastes like aftershave, although I never tasted aftershave, so who knows? Sophie paid Bobby for both of us from my pile of dollars.
          We shared our stories. Mine was fully invented, hers probably mostly wasn’t. I was really a Ukrainian refugee studying to be a Civil Engineer and painting houses to make the ends meat, barely. I know, right? About the lamest possible setup imaginable for getting laid. So, naturally, I told her I was a Danish exchange cinematography student at Carnegie Mellon. She was apparently a psychiatric nurse student. We had several drinks. I got Sophie to pay after the third one and put the rest of my dollars back into my pocket. She was in no condition to notice at that point.
          “Is it cold in Denmark?” She asked slurring her words noticeably in about half an hour.
          “Very cold. But our Danish women are very warm. Are American women warm?”
          “Some are warmer than others.”
          “What about you, Sophie? Are you a warm... chicken?”
          She laughed. “Chick! Hot chick! Yes, I am a hot chick. Well, what do you think? Am I a hot chick?”
          “Yes, I think. I can feel heat from between your legs all the way to over here. It’s like an oven down there. Do you like me?”
          “If you are submissive and full of sperm, sure.” Wow, not all that sophisticated.
          "Yes, that’s me!” I nodded vigorously, “Except I'm not very submissive."
          I felt her tongue in my ear and her delicate hand working my crotch. My breath caught. It suddenly got very crowded in my pants.
          “You’ll do.” Sophie nodded, pleased.
          She looked at me strangely now, kind of like a predator looking at a prey. She got up unsteadily and led me out. In the car she unzipped my pants and fondled my balls till they ached. Needless to say, driving was as hard as everything else at the moment.
          Sophie lived in a brassy part of town, the Shadyside, in a nice house all to herself. When I parked the car Sophie ignored the arched, pompous entry, and went straight to the kitchen window and climbed in, sexy legs flailing.
I climbed after her. Peculiar, yet intriguing.
          She had a white carpet, untrotted as yet by human feet, it seemed, which explained the window entrance. “I got to pee!” She kicked off her high heals, squeezed out a quick fart and danced off on her pretty little feet. “Sophisticated” my ass.
          The walls of her bedroom were painted red and black blaze shapes reaching onto the ceiling to a huge frightening face of a punk rocker, possibly Gene Simmons from KISS. The huge bed, covered with a blanket depicting a penis and a pair of very hairy balls, and a dildo on the night stand added even more jizz to the decor, if that was even possible.
          We went down on each other. Sophie’s slender body and cleanly shaven pussy drove me crazy. I was never this worked up in my life. Then she suddenly dug her nails into my thigh. I yelped but she did not stop scratching me. There was blood on her delicate fingertips now. Sophie was beginning to breathe heavily, as her eyes glazed over. She liked causing pain. Or did she get off on blood? One crazy bitch!
          “Do you want to see why I want to work at a psych ward?” She whispered seductively in my ear, rubbing her heavenly moist pussy against my leg.
          Did I want to? No. Not really.
          “Sure” I nodded eagerly.
          Sophie reached under the bed and handed me a whole wad of handcuffs. I suddenly noticed the worn circles around the bed posts. This lady was creepy. 
          “On your back, Lars, now!”
          “No, stop! This is too weird, Sophie.”
          “You dare disobey Sophie?!” she yelled, pulling out a red velvet whip from under the pillow and whipping me with a scowl of pure insanity on her beautiful face. She started fingering herself, barking hysterically, like a puppy. Boy, how weird but incredibly arousing! 
          I let her cuff my wrists and ankles. Sophie was riding me, thrashing around and yapping. I was bleeding and smarting slightly all over from her scratches.
          When she finally went limp next to me, I made her free me and handcuffed her ankles and one of her wrists to the bedposts. She thrusted her swollen genitalia toward me, begging for stimulation.
          “Self-service time, babe,” I muttered getting up and wincing. She immediately stuffed most of the fingers of her free hand up her engorged snatch and resumed moaning.
          I pushed the phone within her reach, got dressed and walked out through the front door, stomping the prestine carpet, followed by her renewed barking. Sophie was lost in oblivion again.
          Sophie, the Sophisticated.
​          And Lars, as in "Larceny."
                                                                                                                                                                                    © 2012 Michael Priv. All Rights Reserved.