Little Red Riding Hood
by Michael Priv
     Once upon a time, there was a young girl who lived in a village near the forest.  The girl always looked hot and feverish so everyone in the village called her Little Reddy.
     One morning, Little Reddy asked her clinically depressed mother, if she could visit her sick grandma on the other side of the forest and deliver a refill of metoprolol to her—the old lady’s hypertension was causing her considerable distress.
     “What a wonderful idea," mother agreed sadly. So they packed a nice basket for Little Reddy with some bread to keep her going, as well as metoprolol and some generic stool softener for grandma's constipation.  
    “Remember, go straight to Grandma's house," mother cautioned. "Don’t get involved with any strangers, especially men. Mind the streptococci. Men are teeming with bacteria!"
      "Don't worry, mommy," said Little Reddy, "I'll be careful."
     Obsessive-compulsive since early childhood, Little Reddy was on Prozak, which was bad enough without her sciatica acting up. Walking was difficult.
     As she wobbled through the woods painfully, Little Reddy became so absorbed in contemplating her imminent kidney failure, that she didn't notice a dark shadow approaching out of the forest.
     Suddenly, the wolf appeared right in front of her.
     “What are you doing way out here, girl?" the wolf asked cantankerously, wincing as if from severe pain.
     "I’m on my way to see grandma," Little Reddy replied. “What’s wrong with you?”
     “Migrai-ea-ea-ne!” The wolf howled, shaking his head in perfect cadence with the throbbing in his skull. 
     “Try paracetamol or codeine, although leading experts do recommend sumatriptan. Just remember that you can’t take it long-term, it causes permanent liver damage and sudden death.”
     “No kidding? Sumatriptan?” the wolf warmed up to the subject, “I’ve been doing the low-carbs diet myself. Just mostly concentrating on my protein intake, you know.”
     “Indeed, the dietary approach is not without merit,” Little Reddy allowed haughtily, walking down the path with wolf in tow, “Although diet alone is not the panacea. Personally, I tend to favor food supplements, such as Butterbur extract. Apparently it works by inhibiting toxic chemicals called leukotrienes.”
     The wolf, in the meantime, slavishly playing the role assigned to him by the heartless society, was getting ready to take a shortcut to the grandma’s house to devour her and then go through the dubious “Grandma, what big ears you have" routine but revolted at the last moment. He was beginning to develop a soft spot for Little Reddy. He didn’t want to harm her.
     They suddenly heard the “Yodel-oh-hee-hoooo!” of Hunter, the Yodel.
     “I’m sick,” the Hunter greeted them in way of introduction, “Dying, most likely. On my way to the hospital with this.” He proudly hoisted a large jar of urine out of his satchel. “Although I’m taking it back if they find sugar, you understand. What’s mine’s mine!”
     “You know what?” Little Reddy asked, stopping suddenly as if struck by a lightning. “The hell with all this! I’m sick of being sick! Let’s just hide in the woods—away from the giant pharmaceutical conglomerates, work the land and have fun! Are you with me?” 
     “Little Reddy, I love you!” wolf blurted out inappropriately.
     "Well, at least he’s not a man," thought Little Reddy, turning positively scarlet. "Mommy will not be terribly angry."
     “That’s right, you two! The hell with this misery! Let’s work the land and be healthy!” Hunter exclaimed, smashing his urine jar on a rock and yodeling.
     “Let’s leave the bread crumbs for anybody who really wants to find us!” Little Reddy’s excited proposition was met with her comrades’ vigorous nodding. 
     In the mean time, at the other end of the woods, the bedridden grandma was watching Dr. Oz on TV, wondering what happened to her meds. Cursing loudly, the constupated granny finally conceded to just drop everything and walk toward Little Reddy to meet her half-way. Thus, she found the bread crumbs that lead her straight to the fugitives’ hide-out.
     "Grandma, what beautiful eyes you have," Hunter, the Yodel, said when he saw her and kept staring.
     "And ears!" yelled the wolf. 
     Little Reddy went on to marry the wolf. In their long life together, they had eighteen very hairy and healthy children.
     Hunter, the Yodel, married grandma. The two loved each other dearly for many years to come.
     They all lived happily ever after.
     The end.
                                                                                                                                                                               © 2015 Michael Priv. All Rights Reserved.